Eat Your Heart Out: Replace the Picture!

Hey everyone! 

This is the third, and final, chapter of Eat Your Heart Out, at least for now. In this post, I will be talking about body dysmorphia so if this topic does not sit well with you, I would suggest skipping this one and come back when I have new things up! It'll be soon! For those of you deciding to stay, enjoy!

If you have been reading all my other posts, especially in this series, you'd know a little about me: 1) I care about my appearance, and 2) I did not have a good relationship with food. Well in this post, I will be sharing more of myself and my struggle with body dysmorphia. It is difficult for me to see myself objectively. The way I actually look in reality and how I see myself are very very different. 

I remember telling myself "you won't fit in any of these dresses" when I went shopping for a graduation dress with my friend. I thought for sure that I was bigger than any of the sample sizes they had in the store. I didn't want to try any of the dresses and I told myself that I was only there for moral support. I was convinced that I was a huge monster despite fitting into multiple dresses in the dressing room. 

There was a time when I was shopping with a good friend of mine, Rachel, and crying in the dressing room when I tried on a pair of shorts. My legs have been my biggest insecurity. Here's a snippet of my thoughts: 

"All I want is to wear long dresses so I can hide my legs. But wait. My hips are pretty wide and I have short legs. I'm going to look even shorter! Okay, how about this? I'll just wear jeans all the time and long pants. Yes, let's just do that." 

If you know what it's like to be in Hong Kong in the summer, you know it's ridiculous for someone to literally wear jeans all the time. But that's what I did. I just wanted to hide myself. I remember pulling up my socks at school thinking they would hide my legs.  

Before putting on the shorts, I remember just being so nervous. I had never worn shorts before that day. And I know I said this, but I cried. I cried in the dressing room because I just realised how in-my-head I had been. Rachel looked at me in my shorts and went "they look good!!!" I cried because I thought so too. 

After that experience, I started wearing shorts. It's so funny to say this now but I had a fear of shorts. But it didn't end there. I went shopping with my mom to get new shorts a few weeks after getting my first pair with Rachel. I chose a pair that I liked and grabbed 2 different sizes to try on because I didn't know what would fit. I got a pair of size 10 and size 8 shorts. I tried the size 10 and it was too loose so I went to try on size 8 and I thought "I guess they stay up". It took me months to realise that the size 8 was actually a size too big for me. I settled with "I guess they stay up" because I could never believe that I'm any smaller than a size 8. To me, that's as small as I could get. I even got the shorts altered to make them more fitted. What a waste of money! 

Even after working out and getting myself healthy, I still think to myself "I don't see any changes. I'm still the same. I don't look any different." I started abusing my calorie-counting app and telling myself I need to go below the recommended intake because it's the fastest way for me to lose weight. It'll help me reach my impossible goal. 

I didn't even know what I actually looked like. I didn't know that I was a size 6, not a size 8 or 10. I didn't know that I would look fine wearing shorts. I didn't know that my body was actually changing after I started working out. I didn't know any of that. Any comment made about me improving myself and working on myself, I automatically assume they're about my body or my weight because that's what I've always known. 

In a heated conversation I had with my s.o., I suddenly realised that I am more than just my body. He once expressed that it would be hard for him to accept me the way I am. My immediate thought was "oh.. I guess I have to change the way I look then. I'll need to dress differently, I need to start working out and slimming down or he won't like me." Little did I know, what he meant was he can't accept me the way I am when I'm sad, when I don't feel beautiful, when I don't feel treasured because I don't deserve to feel that way. If you're reading this right now, thank you. 

I am more than just my body. I am an education student at the University of Hong Kong. I am a punny person. I am a musician and a singer-songwriter. I am loving, smart, talented, quick-witted and so so humble, obviously. But most importantly, I am a child of God. 

I am treasured by a great Father. He created the universe and He still cares for me. He's never too busy for my troubles, never late to rescue me. His promises are always true. He turned my "I hope"s into "I will"s. He knew me before I was even formed. He is the most intentional person there is. He is the best designer and He placed me in a community that reflects His goodness. 

My Father is a father who would run towards me when I come home after wandering around, hurting myself. My Father is a father who would leave the party that He is hosting to come find me, hold me in His arms, listen to me and say "I see you, I know you, I love you" even after I've ruined His reputation. He is a good Father. The best Father! 

I did a photoshoot recently for this blog and I'm in love with the photos! When I was scrolling through the pictures, I thought "who is this person??" For the longest time, I painted a picture of myself and that picture was just horrendous. 

I think it's time I replace that picture. I think it's time for you to change your picture too. Whatever name, description, or lie you've associated yourself with, replace it with truth! You are a child of God. He loves you. Then afterwards, take a picture of yourself because it's fun!!!!