Eat Your Heart Out: The Designer

Hi everyone! 

This is the first chapter of my first series, Eat Your Heart Out. In this post, I will be talking about disordered eating and bullying so if you are sensitive to these topics, you might want to sit this one out. But otherwise, I hope this story can encourage those of you who have been through, or are going through, similar situations. 

Growing up, I've always been classified as a bigger girl. In family gatherings, I would always hear my relatives saying "aww.. you're so cute, you're so chubby." Basically, being chubby and having a little more weight has always been considered a "funny" thing. While I didn't take every word to heart at first, hearing it constantly started to tear me down. 

From a young age, I became very self-conscious and I always wanted to look pretty. I remember asking my mom to do my hair, playing dress up and wearing fancy princess clothes at birthday parties. I started comparing my body with other people and thinking to myself, "she's so pretty, I wish I was like her." Sometimes these thoughts are not as nice, they would go a little like, "look at her, my hair is much better. I can't believe she went out like that." All these thoughts came from a very broken place and I wasn't aware of how damaging these thoughts were, and how they encouraged my hateful and bitter behaviour. 

These thoughts stayed with me and it peaked when I was in middle school and high school. I went to a predominantly male local school in Hong Kong. Being a foreigner who only spoke English, I immediately attached myself to older students because it was just easier to communicate with them. Shortly after, considering I'm a girl and a foreign student, many people started to know who I am. I wouldn't say I was popular, but I was definitely not invisible at school. This was a blessing and a curse. In one hand, I was always chosen to help teachers and I had a lot of friends. On the other, I was known by people who were not the most gracious and thoughtful. 

In my second year in this school, I encountered a group of people who decided that it would be fun to make up a nickname for me based on my body. Just a little bit of context, in Hong Kong, most girls are very thin and skinny so being anything other than that is seen as undesirable. These group of people would call me out and shout this nickname whenever I pass by and it really hurt because I didn't even know them in the first place. It was painful to think that the only thing they knew of me was my body and none of my other accomplishments or attributes mattered. 

Not long after it all started, I decided I wanted to lose weight fast and I started skipping meals. I would make up excuses for myself so no one would notice or ask why I wasn't eating. I would tell my friends that I had club meetings to attend, or that I forgot to order lunch and I didn't bring cash to school, etc. Whenever my church friends and I would go out for lunch, I would takeover the conversation so no one would see my untouched plate of food. 

I started losing weight but I was still bigger than the other girls so I continued this awful habit for the next 8 months. I noticed that my appetite started to disappear and my hair fell out too. I remember crying and feeling so alone throughout these exhausting months. I wanted a "hero". I stopped reaching out to people and talking to my classmates. Looking back, I wasn't only losing weight, I was losing myself. I remember just smiling to everyone I see even though I was really tired and hurting inside. 

Fortunately, I started experiencing God in crazy ways that same year! I joined a Christian camp called Young People Discipleship School by YWAM in the summer. This camp helped me appreciate myself and find my purpose. 

I was introduced to the story of Amy Carmichael. She was a missionary in the 19th Century from Northern Ireland. As a young girl, she wished to have blue eyes, instead of brown, just like every other Irish person. She would pray to God to change her eyes as she was sleeping. But her prayers were not answered and she was disappointed. 

Still, at age 20, she sensed a calling to be a missionary and headed to India. She served in safe-houses for young women who were abandoned or sometimes sold to be cult prostitutes. Many girls were saved and rescued from prostitution because of her.

This was when she realised God's plans and His purpose for her. 

At the time, only local Indians could enter temples and while anyone could put on traditional garments and clothings, some physical features, like the colour of your eye, couldn't be hidden in the 19th century. God created Amy and gave her brown eyes for a purpose. She was able to blend into her environment so easily and did great things as a result. Had she had blue eyes, she could not have entered these temples and rescued the countless women from the life of prostitution and abuse.

This story really encouraged me. While I understand the shape of my body is something I can easily change, I know that He created me and let me experience these painful times for a purpose. 

I'm currently studying and training to be a middle school teacher and I'm so grateful for what I went through in my teenage years. I know that He wants me to use this story to help young girls who are struggling with their bodies and how they are perceived by others. I know that He wants me to share this story to encourage people and remind them that God created their bodies for a reason, for a purpose. 

For those of you who are going through this, just know that God is the best designer there is. Don't believe me? Just look out your windows; the flowers, the mountains and the stars. He created them and He loves you more than any of His creation. There is always a reason why He created you the way He did. He loves you so much and He is walking with you every step of the way! 

Thank you for reading this post and feel free to leave a comment or a prayer request down below!