Eat Your Heart Out: The Peloton

Hey everyone, 

I hope the last post spoke to you and helped you look into yourself, your past and think about how those experiences shaped you and what they can do to help you fulfil your purpose. Thank you for reading the last post and coming back for this one! 

If you haven't seen the last post, the gist of it is this: I care about how I look, maybe a little too much. This is useful information haha 

Despite having gone through a healing process, my eating disorder hasn't completely disappeared. There has been multiple occasions in the past 6 years when I would think to myself and say, "Oh, I feel awful today, I feel so fat. I'm just going to skip lunch for the next 3 days and I'll be fine." Before I know it, I would go a week without having lunch and I would justify it every single time. 

Another contributor to this obsession is a messy incident that happened when I was younger. Long story short, it left me with the impression that I am only valuable when I look or behave a certain way. It shaped my thoughts and the way I view myself significantly. I was constantly trying to reach the goal set for me by this person. 

After years of going back and forth with food and having a horrible relationship with my looks, I decided to go to the other end of the spectrum and not care at all. I started eating more and gained weight over the summer, wearing baggy clothes and stopped styling my hair. One time, a friend of mine thought I was wearing pyjamas to school (this happened 9 months ago haha). 

I genuinely thought I was happy. I thought I felt freedom because I was not conforming to the idea of "desirable" set by others. But in reality, I was still dictated by it. Just because I was going in the opposite direction, doesn't mean I wasn't tied to these so-called standards. I was just fighting it and trying to prove something to these people, whom I haven't spoken to in years. 

I never knew how exhausting it is to wear grey t-shirts and leggings every day until I actually dressed myself in grey t-shirts and leggings.

For the longest time, I allowed people's thoughts and opinions to cloud my mind. I allowed them to rule the way I presented myself. I allowed all these lies into my life. There was absolutely no freedom, just so much fear. I was constantly spiralling. I was always insecure. 

I found that this problem started to infiltrate into every single part of my life. I became insecure when it comes to how much attention I got from my leaders. I was worried about not serving enough. I was afraid of losing my friends. I was scared that people were talking behind my back. I was convinced that I just wasn't likeable. 

I was searching for approval and acceptance and I was never satisfied. I searched for significance in others and chased after their ideals. I didn't know what it meant to just be Kardia. I was just always a version of myself set by someone else. When I didn't reach their ideal, I resented them. I resented myself so I stopped taking care of myself. 

*Spoiler Alert: God got me through it! God is good!!!!*

I am fortunate enough to be a part of a church community that is so supportive and accepting. I was afraid of being honest with myself and sharing my life with others. I had a mask on for so long, it was almost my own skin. I would joke around to establish my role in this group as the clown because I didn't want to be attached. I avoided some of the leaders just because I didn't want to open up to them. 

But God placed me in this community for a reason. I fell in love with this group before I knew it. I absolutely adore my college group at church, SPU, my leaders and all my friends. They are the most loving people I know. I have learnt something from each one of them and I am soooo lucky to be a part of this little family. 

But before all that, I used to be afraid of being judged. Every time I wanted to share my pains, I would rehearse it a hundred times over in my head. My hands would tremble and my speech would sound shaky. I would always end up crying because of all this fear. 

To be very honest, I still struggle with wanting people's approval and giving in to their ideals. And it may seem like I'm dealing with my problems by relying on others. But that's true. God placed the people around us for a reason. We are created for relationships. Not only with God, but with one another! We are here to build each other up and to lean on one another when we are weak. God knows exactly what we need and sometimes, that's in the form of your spiritual family. 

This whole idea of relationships and community was described to me as a peloton at a church retreat. Each of us needs several people to help us get through life and grow together.

These are the people in front of us: 

1. Holy Spirit (because duh)

2. Jethro: the Butt-Kicker

3. Paul: Christian Yoda (this description is so accurate, no?)

These are the people around us: 

1. Jonathan: the True Friend (David and Jonathan are friendship goals)

2. Deborah: Back-Coverer (also, how badass is she?!)

3. Lydia and Lazarus: the Rich and Poor

4. Nathan: the Editor (smart man!!!) 

5. Barnabas: the Encourager (he was so wholesome)

These are the people behind us: 

1. Timothy: the Protege (we need to be Christian Yoda to others too!)

2. Rhoda: the Little One 

3. Zacchaeus: the Reject 

Being in a loving and supportive community like SPU really helps me grow. My view on relationships and how I approach them have also been transformed! I'm now slowly trying to figure out who I truly am, not what others want me to be; knowing that I am worthy of love as proven by the community God has provided for me! 

I really encourage you to find your peloton if you haven't already. Go and appreciate each one of them and give them hugs, send them lovey dovey texts and appreciate them for being in your life!